Tried going back to bed for a half an hour but couldn't stop thinking... And I have to hurry up, so excuse the possible mistakes:
A lot of my fear was attached to timing. And I will say that I think maybe that happens with a lot of us.
Where we SHOULD be in life, what age we SHOULD be when we do x, y, z really is a silly and totally idiotic way of living of a fulfilling life. It really is.
If you are feeling insecure, it's because you are living outside yourself. You haven't built up a strong personal relationship with yourself yet. It's okay, and I know exactly what you are going through. I really do as I am just building my own. You give yourself unfounded deadlines. Maybe not on purpose but you apply a personal pressure on yourself. Maybe you don't love yourself enough to think you can actually succeed so any little thing that you "fail" at really makes you coming crashing down.
-Married by a certain age
-Be a certain shape
-Have kids because as everyone knows they are the only road to happiness (dripping with sarcasm)
-You should be having wild-n-crazy sex all the time with your husband the first year of marriage and if you aren't, you are failing! Make those dinners better, have the house looking better,dumb-dumb! Everyone else is connecting with their husbands 24-7 on every single level, why aren't you?
-Advent of Facebook? Forget about it. It's just proof that everyone and their mother are having a ball and you are just a moron with your thumb up in the air, "liking" life instead of living it. They are living the good life and here you are wearing a robe, eating ice cream on your couch and watching Bravo Housewives. OKay, maybe that last one is just me and I'm not sorry for it. I love all things on the Bravo Channel and all things ice cream.
What has happened? Well, you know what? That girl that got married at the right age? The one who made really terrific dinners, who overcame the struggles of her mild to severe A.D.D. to keep her house as clean and organized as her zany brain would allow, who beat herself up for years over carrying extra weight, and who was never comfortable changing her clothes in front of her own husband? You know that girl you think must be so happy with her 4 sweet children?
She certainly did a good job at maintaining and trying, that's for sure. And man, does she love those children. But all of that running around in circles, looking for answers, comparing herself to those around her all the time, all those times she was afraid to be funny, would turn down invitations because it was easier to sit behind a computer screen... she did all that, and now she is done with it. She wants to live again, be happy again. She has a taste of it now and wants more. Hell, I think she may even want to get naked!! haha I had to add that one in. I don't even know if I am kidding, really.
By giving in to those fears, here is what she missed:
The funny, chubby Eileen who loved when he dad called her Chubs. She never cared but embraced it.
She was so athletic, a tom boy, could throw a ball faster and harder from short stop than any boy her age. She was so close to God, knew from the start that He was her best friend and she couldn't wait to get to Heaven to finally meet him. She prayed one time so hard for days after someone in her 4th grade class stole the fancy "diamond" ring she had just bought from Santa's Secret Shop for her mother for Christmas. You know what she prayed for? The person who stole it. So innocent. She had forgotten for a long time when she was older that she could still turn to God and pray. She thought that was just too innocent, that it must be something that she was doing wrong, that God couldn't help.
Somehow, though, she was blessed with the most beautiful gift, her 4 children. They have been the strength, the inspiration behind her letting go all of her insecurities and start living the life God intended.
Please, people, please stop living in fear. I don't care what age you are, what size you are, what anything you are. Please live your life the way God intended. We all have something so special to offer. Is it past your time to have kids? Possibly due to age. Have you heard of adoption? Don't let what you fear others may think of you stop you from fulfilling your own happiness.
In other words, just please recognize your fears and begin going down the road of happiness by at least saying to yourself "I think I can."
I "had it all", didn't I? I sure was able to check off my list. I can say that I did that. But I was so unhappy. So very, very unhappy. And by no means am I saying that you need to only think of yourself, but I am not talking specifically right about divorce, I mean in life you need to think more of yourself in order to obtain your goals. If you've forgotten your goals or you've placed them so far away up, up on a high shelf somewhere never to examined again, then you need to find them. Just write them down. Please. You'll be happier for it. It wont happen overnight, but the days and nights happen either way, don't they? Time passes one way or another, so why not have something accomplished in the meantime?
You are such a beautiful, special, wonderful person. It's time to let everyone else see YOU.
One thing that I always had and I will never forget or doubt again is
that I always, always, always had God.
And you do, too.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Does anyone else sit in traffic and wonder how many of the cars around them carry people who are suffering from cancer, who just lost someone they love, how many people just found out their child is very sick?
I am always looking around wondering how many of us are going through something painful. It's always a thought and I hate to think that I radiate towards it. I'm not a negative person, but I like to think I am just realistic. Life happens and it's not always good. Why not open up and share with one another?
Which may be why it's not unlike me to end up hugging a cashier. Somehow, conversation starts and I am hearing the person's life story. Not because they are oversharers, but because I WANT to hear it. And I think they can feel that from me. In the last month alone, no kidding, I've hugged the same Target cashier twice and a 22 yr old girl who works at the nearby pizza/kids party place who really needs to stand up for herself more, and who should try harder to rebuild a relationship with her father. The 22 yr old said at one point as she and I were watching my kids ride the little train again and again, "This is crazy that I am even telling you all of this!" (I hear that quite often, actually) For me, I don't think it's crazy, I think it's just great. Being able to connect with someone feels good for both of us. I feel that I've been through enough at this point in my own life that it would just be a shame and a waste not to help someone else feel less lonely or alone.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -Maryanne Williamson
I just feel so very sorry for people who have built such walls around them. I don't know what feeling could be worse than feeling alone. Pain is pain. I just wish it was easier for people to open up no matter the problem and start to heal. To let go of the fear that they carry inside. Fear has kept my light dimmed for a long time and how has that helped me, my children? I wasn't afraid of anyone, but myself. To be insecure about so many things has not helped in my life one bit. Once I was able to start letting my little light flicker and shine, I started becoming the Eileen that God intended. He doesn't make mistakes so therefore you shouldn't deny your light. There are just so many people around us that need to feel that love. Listen, people, I am certainly not claiming to be saving the world here, but I am doing my part by hugging one cashier at a time. Now, do yours! I got all the Targets covered.